Accepting change....

More like I'm embracing it at this point. 

It's now almost been 2 months since the unthinkable happened.  So what am I doing?  I'm still going.  Like I was 2 months ago, I am still moving forward.  I don't know that my heart has entirely moved on or even how long it will take because I felt something so profound for him that I didn't think I could feel for anyone again.  That being said...If he can live without me, I sure as hell can live without him too, right?

I find myself enjoying love stories again and really being okay listening to most music that deals with love and longing.  A few I still can't listen to:  Dave Matthews, Crash and Lover Lay Down.  Also, all Incubus songs - because it is his favorite band.  Ironically, I was heading out for a date last night and I heard an Incubus song on the radio.  I immediately changed the station and put him out of my mind.  That's the thing - when I'm going out with other people (at least now - not at first) - I'm not thinking about him.  It's only when I'm by myself and my mind wanders.  I guess that's inevitable.  My therapist tells me it's okay to be sad about it but to make sure that I'm being open to others advances.  Surprisingly (at least, to me), there have been quite a few.  Some haven't worked out - some are still in limbo - and some are brand new.

My foray back into single-hood is just as weird as when I had a boyfriend for the first time in however long.  I wasn't totally sure if I was doing it correctly.  In retrospect, I realize there are some things I probably jumped the gun on.....so....maybe the fact that I'm being a little bit more standoffish and tentative when I go out with these guys is not so surprising at all.  Nothing has been, in any way, serious.  I find myself really enjoying the evenings and conversation with these guys but then the date comes to an end and I'm just like - I don't want to kiss him - I don't even want to hug him.  And yet, he's a perfectly nice person and good looking to boot.  There was one guy that I was really 'in' to but he's so busy and "lost" (his own words) that he can not focus on anything right now.  HOW DO I FIND THESE GUYS?!  One of the guys I went out with last week wanted me to spend the night - after a two hour, and very first, conversation.  UM - I DON'T THINK SO BUB.  I suppose I should take it as a compliment but I'm realizing more and more that maybe I need to just take this time to focus on me for awhile. 

I do have a date tomorrow (Tuesday) night.  That is actually something I'm looking forward to.  The guy is older than I am - a first for me.  Usually I end up going out with guys my own age or younger because they all think I'm younger.  We both agree that we're interested in getting to know one another and nothing serious.  I think it'll be fun. 

My biggest worry right now, however, is just as I mentioned before - should I even be dating?  I think the reason I'm going out with these guys is because I'd rather be out than sit at home by myself.  With the exception of a few friends, most of mine are either engaged, married, or in serious relationships...so their desire to hang out with a single person is generally limited.  It's lonely being single sometimes.  The coupley things you were able to do with other friends when you were in a relationship are now gone and the invites are few and far between.  It's entirely okay.  I get it.  I've been there and done that too. 

In relation to the idea just mentioned- as I was chatting with two of my single girl friends the other day we all agreed that when we are in a relationship, the independent person we worked so hard to become and enjoy in our free time kind of disappears because we're SO happy being with the other person in the relationship that we kind of lose sight of what we want and what our goals were.  I've definitely been guilty of doing this when I was involved with Derek.  And it wasn't anything he did - I was entirely the one that changed my focus.  Maybe that's why I was so quick to apply for grad school after he and I broke up......  Since I'm much older now, I do tend to take a different approach with guys.  I refuse to change the things I am doing with my life or how I do things for myself.  I think I did a pretty good job at staying true to who I was/am when I was with Pete.  Life was assuredly hectic when I was with him - Student Teaching, Coaching, Teaching Spin, homework, etc.  And yet, I still managed to find time to spend with him because I WANTED to.....so it wasn't a compromise in anyway - it's what I wanted.  The old Katie would have just dropped teaching spin all together or cut back on her coaching hours.....I won't do that any more.

So besides attempting to date, what have I been doing?  I've been running a lot.  I've upped my mileage from 20-25 miles a week to 30-35 miles a week.  Honestly - I love it so much.  I don't know why.  My body can just accept it.  Before I used to have a hard time running more than one day in a row - now I'm running 5-6 days in a row.  I don't know why but I'm not going to question it.  I'm still teaching spin classes.  I have a few swim lessons to still teach in August.  I'm looking for a teaching job.  I decided to hold off on the moving because I don't know where I'll be in a month but what I realized is that I really do like my apartment and the location that I live.  I think the initial desire to move came because so much of what I see every day (in my apartment) still reminds me of him...and I really want to not think like that.....But....I am a big girl and I can do this.  Like I said, if he can live without me, I can certainly live without him.

And so I leave it here - I'm embracing each day as though something amazing will happen because it certainly could!  I'm really believing this quote: “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” Eckhart Tolle
And I'm really trying to stay positive.  It'll happen, right?

The Space Between

I've been listening to a lot of Dave lately....and 'The Space Between' - although not all the lyrics apply - they resonate with me and my current situation.  Let's just say - without going into too much detail because those of you that read this really already know what's happened - I'm sad.

The sadness has created a sense of hollowness.

Am I still going?  Yes.  I have things in my life I MUST do...and despite me not really being present in which I'm simply going through the motions....I'm still getting up every day.  I am taking something to help me sleep at night, otherwise this girl wouldn't be getting any sleep.  I still feel like a zombie most days.  And although there is a plan in place - I can't help but feel anxious about it.

What else is going on......

-Summer swim practices started last week.  So that's something to do every afternoon. 
-I've started teaching private swim lessons so I'm making some extra money. 
-I canceled my Praxis tests that I was supposed to take tomorrow.  I'm simply not ready and would rather wait for a time when I am so that I'm not just taking a test and failing so as to just end up taking it again. 
-I'm applying for jobs like crazy.  I can only hope that I get SOMETHING.  Otherwise I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with subbing for awhile....
-I've started to look at places to live in Conshohocken.  It's very premature because I don't know if I'll have a job or not but if I get the job I think I'll get, it would be a good middle ground especially since I plan to continue coaching at LM in the winter and possibly the spring (which is all dependent on the current situation).
-It's June - how did that happen?  Didn't we just celebrate the new year?
-I've taken a break from running races.  I just don't have the same desire to do them.  The motivation to run is still there - but the entry fees for the races are really expensive so I have to start picking and choosing and if I'm going to run them, I want to do different races instead of the ones I've been doing.  I'm thinking of doing an inaugural half marathon up in Perk Valley and then definitely the Baltimore half marathon.  My friend Pat from Grad school lives down there and he said I could stay at his place if/when it comes time....so that'll be nice.  I won't have to shell out for a hotel.
 -I've been teaching a lot of spinning lately - which is good - money - bad because it takes away from the days I can run - although since everything has happened I've been exercising a little bit more than usual.....it keeps my mind calm instead of wandering about the "what if's"...which then becomes a downward spiral.

So...all in all...I'm still here...still going....still moving forward.  Just incredibly sad.  I miss him.  

It's been awhile.....

Ain't that the truth!...and although it's cliché...it's VERY true.  The last post I wrote on here was before the new year!  Crazy!

Since then - so much has happened and while I'm not going to do all the updating - just so y'all that even might possibly read this know - I'm doin' pretty well.  The job hunt begins.....and so I guess that's my newest adventure.....

As for everything else...a friend of mine emailed me these lists and another friend posted on my facebook page awhile back....I just reviewed it again since that first fb post and realized how far I've come with my own personal reflection and struggles.

The original article is actually from a Huffpo article that was taken from a book.  

How do you other ladies fair????....I can honestly say I can check them all off.....

By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30

What's on your personal list of things to have and know -- and possibly do -- before turning 30?