More like I'm embracing it at this point.
It's now almost been 2 months since the unthinkable happened. So what am I doing? I'm still going. Like I was 2 months ago, I am still moving forward. I don't know that my heart has entirely moved on or even how long it will take because I felt something so profound for him that I didn't think I could feel for anyone again. That being said...If he can live without me, I sure as hell can live without him too, right?
I find myself enjoying love stories again and really being okay listening to most music that deals with love and longing. A few I still can't listen to: Dave Matthews, Crash and Lover Lay Down. Also, all Incubus songs - because it is his favorite band. Ironically, I was heading out for a date last night and I heard an Incubus song on the radio. I immediately changed the station and put him out of my mind. That's the thing - when I'm going out with other people (at least now - not at first) - I'm not thinking about him. It's only when I'm by myself and my mind wanders. I guess that's inevitable. My therapist tells me it's okay to be sad about it but to make sure that I'm being open to others advances. Surprisingly (at least, to me), there have been quite a few. Some haven't worked out - some are still in limbo - and some are brand new.
My foray back into single-hood is just as weird as when I had a boyfriend for the first time in however long. I wasn't totally sure if I was doing it correctly. In retrospect, I realize there are some things I probably jumped the gun on.....so....maybe the fact that I'm being a little bit more standoffish and tentative when I go out with these guys is not so surprising at all. Nothing has been, in any way, serious. I find myself really enjoying the evenings and conversation with these guys but then the date comes to an end and I'm just like - I don't want to kiss him - I don't even want to hug him. And yet, he's a perfectly nice person and good looking to boot. There was one guy that I was really 'in' to but he's so busy and "lost" (his own words) that he can not focus on anything right now. HOW DO I FIND THESE GUYS?! One of the guys I went out with last week wanted me to spend the night - after a two hour, and very first, conversation. UM - I DON'T THINK SO BUB. I suppose I should take it as a compliment but I'm realizing more and more that maybe I need to just take this time to focus on me for awhile.
I do have a date tomorrow (Tuesday) night. That is actually something I'm looking forward to. The guy is older than I am - a first for me. Usually I end up going out with guys my own age or younger because they all think I'm younger. We both agree that we're interested in getting to know one another and nothing serious. I think it'll be fun.
My biggest worry right now, however, is just as I mentioned before - should I even be dating? I think the reason I'm going out with these guys is because I'd rather be out than sit at home by myself. With the exception of a few friends, most of mine are either engaged, married, or in serious relationships...so their desire to hang out with a single person is generally limited. It's lonely being single sometimes. The coupley things you were able to do with other friends when you were in a relationship are now gone and the invites are few and far between. It's entirely okay. I get it. I've been there and done that too.
In relation to the idea just mentioned- as I was chatting with two of my single girl friends the other day we all agreed that when we are in a relationship, the independent person we worked so hard to become and enjoy in our free time kind of disappears because we're SO happy being with the other person in the relationship that we kind of lose sight of what we want and what our goals were. I've definitely been guilty of doing this when I was involved with Derek. And it wasn't anything he did - I was entirely the one that changed my focus. Maybe that's why I was so quick to apply for grad school after he and I broke up...... Since I'm much older now, I do tend to take a different approach with guys. I refuse to change the things I am doing with my life or how I do things for myself. I think I did a pretty good job at staying true to who I was/am when I was with Pete. Life was assuredly hectic when I was with him - Student Teaching, Coaching, Teaching Spin, homework, etc. And yet, I still managed to find time to spend with him because I WANTED to.....so it wasn't a compromise in anyway - it's what I wanted. The old Katie would have just dropped teaching spin all together or cut back on her coaching hours.....I won't do that any more.
So besides attempting to date, what have I been doing? I've been running a lot. I've upped my mileage from 20-25 miles a week to 30-35 miles a week. Honestly - I love it so much. I don't know why. My body can just accept it. Before I used to have a hard time running more than one day in a row - now I'm running 5-6 days in a row. I don't know why but I'm not going to question it. I'm still teaching spin classes. I have a few swim lessons to still teach in August. I'm looking for a teaching job. I decided to hold off on the moving because I don't know where I'll be in a month but what I realized is that I really do like my apartment and the location that I live. I think the initial desire to move came because so much of what I see every day (in my apartment) still reminds me of him...and I really want to not think like that.....But....I am a big girl and I can do this. Like I said, if he can live without me, I can certainly live without him.
And so I leave it here - I'm embracing each day as though something amazing will happen because it certainly could! I'm really believing this quote: “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize
that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” Eckhart Tolle
And I'm really trying to stay positive. It'll happen, right?
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Word.
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