Dealing with Swim Team Parents

Now that I've been a swim coach for about two years, I think there's quite a few things I've learned in the process. The technical stuff is neither here nor there - but it's the dealing with the parents that has been interesting.

If you're not of the coaching world, or have never played an organized sport growing up, you won't know that there are a variety of parents and athletes out there and that there are a variety of ways to deal with them. If you have or are then you can skip over the rest of this blog post and go read your favorite book :-).

In the last two years I've realized that not only are most parents taller children disguised as adults, but the majority of them believe their child (which is probably a given) is the best thing since sliced bread. *Disclaimer - I am not yet a parent so I don't know what that feeling is like to have a kid but I can pretty much guarantee I am not going to lead my child to believe they are the best at something if they aren't and I am certainly not going to push them to do a sport they don't want to do.

That being said - here's a bit of an insight to the kinds of people I deal with on a regular basis:

There are several kinds of swim team parents:

The Over-Involved - not to be confused with 'The Involved' parent. These parents are the ones that stand on the side of the pool during practice and hover. I like to affectionately call them 'helicopter parents'. These are the parents that think they know everything about the sport and keep themselves at somewhat of a distance from the coach but close enough so that they can see if their child is being given enough attention. The helicopter parents are also the ones that will come up to a coach during practice to ask how their child is doing and talk to the coach about the skills they think their child(ren) need to improve on.
Negatives - they're always there, it can feel like they're judging your coaching skills, they know their kids are 'the best'! They don't always help at meets because they would rather watch their kids and other kids to see what the competition is like.
Positives - their kids are almost always at meets, they rarely miss practice (which can also be a negative), and they are always okay with constructive criticism. They're generally the most receptive of parents I deal with - they just hang around A LOT.

The Involved - these are the parents that are always at practices but just hang out somewhere else and let the coach do their thing. They agree to help at meets, they have a positive attitude and want their kid to improve their swimming.
Negatives: these are the parents that are quick to complain. These kinds of parents might not necessarily be acclimated to the world of swimming and so when they realize that a child should be swimming a lot at swim practice (go figure), they complain that it's making the child too tired. (swim practice + trying hard = tiredness....who knew?) These parents are the ones that will not confront you directly and will find a round about way of telling you how to do your job.
Positives: their kids are usually the ones that are the most receptive to learn. If theses parents have a positive attitude, they'll bring their kids to practices often and encourage more work. If these parents have a negative (I know everything) attitude, they'll most likely quit the team and never return to swimming (or find another coach that doesn't help them do what they're paying for).

The Aloof/Uninvolved - these are the parents that drop their kids off at practice and don't stay -ever. I realize some parents are busy and have to rush around to do things but as a coach, I'm not a babysitter - please don't drop your kids off for two hours thinking it's free babysitting. So when your kid whines and complains at practice and they want to get out and you aren't there to see that there are 10 other kids we're watching - don't come up to me and complain that your daughter or son isn't in the pool. These are also the parents that don't get involved with meets - don't read the emails/notices we send out and are always asking the questions that have already been answered.
Negatives: these kinds of parents are a lot of work and their kids are usually the ones that give us the most trouble in practices. Their lack of presence is usually an indication of their activeness in their child's life. When something goes wrong, they blame the coach instead of taking a look at their child (in this way they have some of the same qualities of the helicopter parents). These are also the parents whose kids usually miss meets and don't tell the coaches.
Positives: they are the complete opposite of helicopter parents in that they aren't hovering. They "trust" that the practices they've dropped them off for are helping and usually coaches only hear from them if the child comes home complaining.

The Apologetic's - these are the parents that know their children are a handful from the get-go and apologize ahead of time. Their kids are usually the ones that either come to practice crying (for whatever reason), swim two laps and realize they're behind and start crying, or just stop at the wall and don't do anything. Their kids are also usually the ones who get out and go to the bathroom and either never return or stay there for an inordinate amount of time which makes you think they're performing some kind of medical surgery in there....for all you know, as a coach, this could be true. These parents are the ones that apologize for their kids not making it to practice/being late - when as coaches all we think about is, "hey, it's your money that's getting wasted". They apologize for everything......
Negatives: There are only so many excuses and only so many times someone can hear "i'm sorry" - leave it at home. Just come to practice knowing the coaches are there to help and we're just happy your kid showed up - even if they're late. These are also the parents that are similar to the uninvolved in that they usually have some reason they can't help out at a meet or that their kid can't come.
Positives: Their concern is genuine. They truly want their child to succeed and don't want it to cause any kind of problem for the coach. They generally have a good attitude toward the sport and let the coach do their thing.

The Know-It-All's: These parents are similar to the Over-Involved in the fact that they feel as though they know everything about the sport of swimming. Usually their child has been swimming for a good number of years and they're probably some of the best swimmers a coach has on the team (with a few exceptions). These parents don't generally hover like the over-involved but they do let their opinion be known to the coach and whoever else will listen to them. Having grown up in a house with a mother who was one of these parents, it's generally more embarrassing for the kid to be scene with this parent than anything else which is why they're typically not at practices. These parents are the ones that "know everything" about stroke technique, practice lengths, etc. They offer suggestions and give examples of the other practices their children have had with other high quality swim clubs. In reality, they're trying to figure out where you, as a coach, stand in relation to the others their kids have had. They want to know if you'll be easier or harder so they can decide if they want their kid to come to your practice or go to a different one. They want to know if you're going to make their kid an Olympic Athlete.....basically.
Negatives: I think it's self-explanatory but these parents are usually the ones that get on coaches nerves the majority of the time. These are the parents that believe they know what's best for their child (rightly so, it is their child) and even though you're the coach and they're paying you money to know what's best for them - it doesn't matter - your opinion is usually not taken into account.
Positives: these are the parents who want the sport to succeed. These parents are usually the first to get involved in fundraisers and who want their children to be the best so they're always at practices.


Dealing with these parents:
Personally - I deal with every parent in the same way - as if they were children and they all need that special attention without sounding condescending or mean. Like I said in the beginning, all these parents are looking for is positive reinforcement for their kids. They appreciate the truth and for those that are a little bit more sensitive, you alter the approach in the conversation. There are definitely some parents that are a little more high maintenance than others - you figure out, over time, how to deal with them.

A good friend and fellow coach once told me that being a coach is more than just coaching a sport - it's being a therapist, a counselor, an instructor/teacher, an enemy, a friend, and a mentor. It's a balance that's hard to manage at first - and I have to say after having only done two years of it so far, it can be a challenge - but when have I ever backed away from a challenge? :-)