I'm trying to tell you something about my life....

Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah
~Indigo Girls

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I was reading my friend's LJ the other day - and came across her most recent post. It's long - but I thought I'd share it with you. I think it pretty much describes how everyone feels at some point in their life. She's a great writer:-)

Hang in there everyone. You are all loved.

~~~~~~~~~
It's like this.

You live your life one way for a long time and never expect that it will change in any direction except the one you're preparing for. From a young age, a really young fucking age, you know that something is coming, always coming, always right behind you, and you can't get away from it no matter how far you run. There's no safe place to hide and there's no place it can't touch you, so you learn to live with it. You make a place for it in your world and then you make choices. Small choices that shape you and big choices that create you and suddenly you're this person that can deal with a big, scary thing that lives in the dark.



More than that, you make yourself think that you can fight it. You steel yourself to face it but then, many years later, on the day you think it's finally coming, you find out that you've been wrong all along.

The monster was never actually there and for the first time it feels like you can breathe. Except you don't seem to know how to do it properly, the way other people do. And you know, you know that you shouldn't think like this, because you're lucky, you're so goddamn lucky, but still. You're unhappy. You have to find your feet when the rest of the world is already running.

So you look around and see the wreckage of a battle fought against air and for the first time you see the damage, you see that you are damaged. The person you are was only created in order to deal with one particular problem and now there are a million other things to be dealt with and they all seem so big, so incomprehensible that you just want to bury your head in the sand. It suddenly dawns on you that you might live a normal life, but you can't be happy because there's still a part of you that hears things going bump in the night.

You wonder, you always wonder, if there's been a mistake.

Sometimes you're awake and you forget things have changed and you find yourself thinking about when it will come. Sometimes when you're sleeping you find yourself caught in a nightmare where you're being eaten alive by it. You tell yourself that it's not real, but it feels more real than the life you've been actually living so you just can't wake up. There are days that you're angry that decisions weren't made earlier, but you know you shouldn't be mad because you all built the fortress and barricaded the entryway together. You understood that it was the best way to make it through, but you still find yourself mourning for the people that didn't make it. You wonder who you all would have been if life had just been different.

Thinking that way doesn't help though, because your life is your life and you still have to live it. You even feel you could get somewhere if you just had some time to adjust. The thing is that there is never enough time. It flies at you and past you and you can't catch it or your breath, so you run because it's all you really know how to do. Except you're not getting anywhere and this time people notice.

And they ask you to stop.

They find you after the monster makes an appearance on a television show and they cry and say that they're sorry and that they wish, they wish, they wish, and that they didn't want you to turn out the way you have and that stops you cold.

You're not that bad, surely. Maybe a little wrong in the head, but not so bad that they would wish you were someone else.

Then they ask what you wish and you can't say because you really don't know. You've never wanted much and what you did want you didn't get anyway. You figured it didn't matter in the long run, though, because eventually nothing mattered except that you beat the monster at his own game. You were going to take from him before he took from you and that was the only real plan you'd ever made.

You don't remember who you were before, you don't know if you ever really had a before. You just know that you've tricked yourself into thinking that all was well. It's not, though. You're still living there, stuck there, in limbo there, because, while you've been pardoned, you still can't find your way out of jail.

So now this time that seemed so quick before when it passed you, seems to stretch out before you endlessly and you wonder if that poet was right when he said that life was very long. You wonder how he got to that point and how you got to this point where you just wish it would hurry up and go by instead of dragging on and taking you with it. And you know that's ungrateful, you know you should be so happy and that you should take this gift and do something great with it, but that's not the kind of person you are now.

You've been created in it's image and it's in your reflection and you can't shake it. It still lives with you and even though you want it gone, the fear now is that it owns you and will never, ever let you go.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

~ Rascal Flatts
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This has been an AMAZING trip home so far. Seriously people. I think it's by far and away one of, if not, THE best trip I've had home in a long LONG time. And I've certainly had some doozies:-)

So let's see, where do I begin?

Well....my surprise was SO successful:-) I kind of pride myself on being a good surpriser - and sure enough - I did my job again:-) He was so surprised.....definitely caught off guard to say the least:-) And the first meeting, was amazing. It was as if we'd been like that all the time. It was awesome. I think....well....I hate to jinx it but...it's good:-) I'm happy - and I haven't been this happy in a long time....

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy with my life. I have an amazing life. I'm lucky that the events of my life have gotten me to this point. I have an awesome job....kickass friends...I live in the sunshine state...and I am healthy...well. .....for the most part. I'll get to that.

Other awesome things since I've been home - I've spent time with both Netty and Jacks. Lunch and a movie with Netster and and Breakfast and Dinner with Jacks for her Bday! We're all going out this coming Saturday to celebrate accordingly:-) I was just telling her the other night - I can't believe we've been best friends in Junior year of high school! I am so thankful for it - for her - the friendship we have - -and everything that goes along with it. It's important to have friends you can talk to the way we talk to each other:-) Haha - even at 7AM ;-) LOL! I love my friends:-)

I've also spent some time with my grandmom - which was pretty cool actually. In the last few years - I've purposely told myself that I want to be an ACTIVE part of my grandparents lives. I love them very much. Kelly and I were the first grandkids. We kind of got spoiled because the next grandkids weren't born until I was 9. So we had them all to ourselves for awhile. I also think it's pretty important to get to know the people who knew you when you were younger. I honestly believe they can keep you grounded and not lose sight of who you are and what your aspirations SHOULD be versus what you want them to be. I don't mean to stop dreaming for high aspirations but some times people get SO caught up in "things" and "materials" that they forget to BE. I WANT to know my grandparents. I want to hear stories about their lives. I think they're pretty cool people. I only wish I had started earlier. I just know that I don't want to be one of those relatives that ends up at the funeral (god forbid) and not know anything about them. I want to be able to remember my grandparents for who they are/were. Which, is....pretty cool people...even if Z is pretty stubborn.

So I spent some time with gamma - and I've spent more time with Ben than I thought I would - but - to be honest - I like it - I don't think I would if I didn't like it. It's just - I said something the other day when I was on the phone with him about "coming home" after doing a few things...and it was in reference to his apartment. I guess my subconscious agrees that it feels just like that when I'm with him. It's amazing how good it feels. Word don't even do it justice. We also went to the zoo! I haven't been to the zoo in years! We saw PENGIES!:-) yay!:-D

My Race!!!! ZOMGOODNESS!! BEST RACE EVER! I am SO doing it again next year! And I already signed up for my next one - Disney Princess Half Marathon in March. I am stoked for it. I really did like the Philly Half though - maybe next year I'll be ready for a full??? We'll see. But I'm definitely looking at some cool places to run next year. There's this awesome Half in london - Royal Parks Run - It runs all through the Parks in london - I am hoping I get picked - I put my name in for registration so here's hoping! Cross your fingers for me! I also looked at one in Kauai, Hawaii for next September...but that might be a bit much as far as money and stuff - it'd be nice to go with someone - but everything is pretty expensive - so we'll see. ANYWAY! Back to THIS race - I dropped my time by 10 Minutes! My goal is still to get until 2 hours at some point - maybe I can get close in March. Eventually - I would like to do a Marathon - and finish in under 4 hours - if I can finish the half in under 2 I should be able to finish the Full in under 4 right? Suuuuuuure ha:-)

What else? Oh - health wise - well the dr here seems to think I have Acute IBD - which is just awesome. My tummy's been really weird since I've been home. Haven't been able to eat normally in weeks. I still have some issues with it all - but I have to get a colonoscopy when I come back home for Xmas time. awesome. yeah. But - it's to make sure nothing else is wrong with me..cause a lot of my symptoms are also symptoms for something worse (yikes - and I'm not going to write it - you can do the research yourself). Anyway - I'm trying to stay positive. I AM A HEALTHY AND HAPPY INDIVIDUAL! :-D

As for Turkey Day - I'm heading up to Ben's house for the holiday! !!!!!!! I know! I'm pretty flattered that he wants his parents to meet me. It's been a long time since I've met anyone's parents - ok - a guy's parents. I'm not gonna lie people - I'm nervous. I'm sure I'll be fine but, you know...you never know.

OH! Side note - so awhile ago I did something to help out Derek.....told him to give me a call when he was home for the holiday (this past week)...found out why he didn't. Haha. He had his girlfriend with him. It's cool. I'm sure he didn't want her to feel weird or inferior or anything:-) haha. I mean - I am pretty awesome. lol:-) No just kidding...............but not really:-) haha

alrighty - I think that's long enough of a diatribe for right now. I'm sure there'll be more in a day or two.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!! GOBBLE GOBBLE!

if I could tell the world just one thing...it would be, we're all okay...

I'll admit it - I look through gossip magazines. I look at the gossip online too. But I don't do it for the "gossip" persay - moreso because I am genuinely interested in people. I've always like getting to know new people....and so when I read those magazines about actors/actresses/etc...I often sit there and wonder - would I be friends with them? Because really - ANYONE can be an actor or an actress - or famous. I mean - there are thousands of people who became famous simply because of their friends or people they married. What was Anna Nicole Smith before she married that old man? And while that's the best example I can give you off the top of my head - I know there are plenty of other people out there that were once not famous and then magically became the spotlight of "hollywood"

Personally - I feel bad for them. I think it's sad that so many people (paparazzi) think it's so much more important to have a certain picture or look or whathaveyou. I'm sure there are plenty of celebrities that feed off the attention - who wouldn't? When you're given attention for a significant amount of time - you almost start to crave it all the time. It's why there are so many young girls that throw themselves at guys ....it's why there are so many people out there that do the wrong things with the wrong motives.

In church this past Sunday - Reverend Alice was talking about how our society has things mixed up. We have the notion of - "Have. Do. Be.".....when it clearly is "Be. Do. Have." Because really - and we all know it's true - all the money in the world can't make you a complete person. What good are you to people if you can't "be" yourself, if you can't "be" who you truly are. And thereby continuing on to "do" for others as you would want done for you if you couldn't. Its the nature of being a compassionate person. And of course - finally - by opening yourself up to peace and happiness and helping - it's returned in which you "have".

I think too often people lose sight of the fact that you need to "be. do. have." I do some times I know - but I also realize there are some people that will never grasp this concept. That's ok. Honestly - I'm pretty simplistic. Yeah, I like "things" but - truthfully - if all I had was my friends and family - I'd be totally ok with that. Because they are what help to make me "be". They make me want to "do" for others. And because of that - I have some of the best friends and family anyone could ask for!

I can only hope that the celebrities have those moments too.