The Space Between

I've been listening to a lot of Dave lately....and 'The Space Between' - although not all the lyrics apply - they resonate with me and my current situation.  Let's just say - without going into too much detail because those of you that read this really already know what's happened - I'm sad.

The sadness has created a sense of hollowness.

Am I still going?  Yes.  I have things in my life I MUST do...and despite me not really being present in which I'm simply going through the motions....I'm still getting up every day.  I am taking something to help me sleep at night, otherwise this girl wouldn't be getting any sleep.  I still feel like a zombie most days.  And although there is a plan in place - I can't help but feel anxious about it.

What else is going on......

-Summer swim practices started last week.  So that's something to do every afternoon. 
-I've started teaching private swim lessons so I'm making some extra money. 
-I canceled my Praxis tests that I was supposed to take tomorrow.  I'm simply not ready and would rather wait for a time when I am so that I'm not just taking a test and failing so as to just end up taking it again. 
-I'm applying for jobs like crazy.  I can only hope that I get SOMETHING.  Otherwise I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with subbing for awhile....
-I've started to look at places to live in Conshohocken.  It's very premature because I don't know if I'll have a job or not but if I get the job I think I'll get, it would be a good middle ground especially since I plan to continue coaching at LM in the winter and possibly the spring (which is all dependent on the current situation).
-It's June - how did that happen?  Didn't we just celebrate the new year?
-I've taken a break from running races.  I just don't have the same desire to do them.  The motivation to run is still there - but the entry fees for the races are really expensive so I have to start picking and choosing and if I'm going to run them, I want to do different races instead of the ones I've been doing.  I'm thinking of doing an inaugural half marathon up in Perk Valley and then definitely the Baltimore half marathon.  My friend Pat from Grad school lives down there and he said I could stay at his place if/when it comes time....so that'll be nice.  I won't have to shell out for a hotel.
 -I've been teaching a lot of spinning lately - which is good - money - bad because it takes away from the days I can run - although since everything has happened I've been exercising a little bit more than usual.....it keeps my mind calm instead of wandering about the "what if's"...which then becomes a downward spiral.

So...all in all...I'm still here...still going....still moving forward.  Just incredibly sad.  I miss him.  

It's been awhile.....

Ain't that the truth!...and although it's cliché...it's VERY true.  The last post I wrote on here was before the new year!  Crazy!

Since then - so much has happened and while I'm not going to do all the updating - just so y'all that even might possibly read this know - I'm doin' pretty well.  The job hunt begins.....and so I guess that's my newest adventure.....

As for everything else...a friend of mine emailed me these lists and another friend posted on my facebook page awhile back....I just reviewed it again since that first fb post and realized how far I've come with my own personal reflection and struggles.

The original article is actually from a Huffpo article that was taken from a book.  

How do you other ladies fair????....I can honestly say I can check them all off.....

By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30

What's on your personal list of things to have and know -- and possibly do -- before turning 30?

It's Now or Never....

If I don't write my end of the year post now and new year's resolutions...I'll never do it :-) Hence the title of the post.

As a precursor, I'm attempting to be less aggravated than I was last night for reasons that only my closest friends know. That being said, I will not be divulging that information in this post. It's (hopefully) fleeting) and a bit off topic to say the least.

Now....let me see if I can't dig up my 2011 Resolutions somewhere.......ah yes, the post was here. But for time's sake, these were my 2K11 resolutions:

1. Get a Student Teaching position at LMHS or in the LMSD.
2. Accomplish my "30 in 30" List (see below)
3. Get a summer managing job/coaching job.
4. Be better with guys and how I handle myself with them - let's be honest, I'm terrible in this department.
5. Learn to focus on the right things.

As I read over them...I realize that I definitely did 1 and 3. Number 2 is still a work in progress, but I do have 7 more months before I'm 31 so I have some time. I guess that'll get added to my 2K12 resolutions. Number 4. Well. I think I've definitely come a long way with this. This time last year I was definitely at a place in my life where I was being pulled along for a ride. SO much changed over the course of 2011. I could write an entirely separate post on the guys of 2011....but....I promised myself a few months ago that I wouldn't do too much of that. That kind of information is for phone conversations with my friends. Let's just say, it was a definite learning experience and a relative boost to my emotional well-being in some areas. That being said....

#5 - Learn to focus on the right things. I think this is the one I am the MOST proud of this year. While there is no concrete evidence per se, I know in my heart I've done this. And by focusing on the right things I mean, I literally worked my ass off in 2011. I ran a marathon (trust me, that was VERY tough), I got a student teaching job in the school and district I not only wanted to but HAD to, I made some new connections in and out of the education world. I also made a few new friends but one new friend in particular I am extremely grateful for - Heather! Yay! I've learned that hard work does not go unnoticed and that getting what you want is a matter of time.

The changes that have happened in 2011:
- Probably the biggest one is moving out of my mom's house. I moved the weekend of Labor day and the first weekend in my new apartment I got food poisoning. Ha. Happy House Warming to say the least! I am thankful for my friend Brian in helping me move otherwise it would've been a difficult task.
-I got more involved in my own things. Albeit there was a LOT of family dramz this year - like, major family dramz (and last year did not start out well with the death of my uncle) - I think I've still done a really good job in focusing on the right things. I still worry about my family and sister but I'm learning that it can't be the WHOLE focus of what's going on in my life.
-Physically, I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in. Yes, I'm tired a lot but if you had my schedule you'd be tired too. I'm trying to eat more organic and be more responsible with my drinking. In fact, I think after the weekend of the 6/7th, I'll be taking a hiatus all together.

Things I've got on the horizon in 2012:
With the new year just a day and a half away, I have a lot of things to look forward to. One is obviously student teaching. While I'm excited, I'm pretty freaking scared too. Everyone tells me I'll be okay but I really am freaking out. I realize I have an "up" so to speak because I already coach so I know how to relate to the kids - but to be honest, I'm worried I'll just not be prepared. We all know how OCD I am when it comes to being prepared. I really am freaking out in my own mind. I hide it well, don't I?

I have the rest of swim season - which is speeding by so quickly - and then lacrosse to look forward to! I am so pumped for lax this year! I can't wait!

Continuing to live on my own and seek out new adventures. I think one of the best things that happened in the latter half of 2011 was moving out. THANKS PAUL FOR ENCOURAGING IT! I am hoping to continue balancing the money/socializing/personal time for the next five months. I'm also hoping to make some money while I'm not actually working (RICH??!?!? Help a girl out!).

For the next 5 or so months, my schedule(s) will look something like this:
Monday through Friday - Teach from 7-3PM, Coach 3-6PM, Workout 6-7:30PM, 10PM bed.
Weekends are probably going to be spent doing work and sleeping. I feel badly for anyone that thinks they'll get to see me a lot. I just need to get through May and I'm good to go.

Of course, in between now and then there are other things I have to do:
-RTF 5K/1Mile Walk - March 25th
-My Runs with Bethany
-Training for another Marathon
-Finish my 30 in 30.
-Plan for the RTF Golf Outing
-Kelly's 35th Birthday
-Plan my mom's 60th Birthday
-Joanne's 50th Birthday
......oh yeah and....stay afloat financially. To be honest, it's almost a blessing in disguise that I'll be so busy during the week - I won't be spending money. Ha.

So.....I've been dawdling enough....what are my 2K12 resolutions???

In the year 2012, I hope to:
Finish my 30 in 30. (starred things I finished)
1. Skydive
2. Bungee Jump
3. Travel Somewhere Alone
4. Run a Marathon ★
5. Get a Teaching Job
6. Learn to Play Guitar
7. Re-learn Spanish
8. Do a Triathlon
9. Become a regular Rock Climber
10. Learn to Canoe
11. Visit Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame
12. Go to Hawaii
13. Wine Tasting
14. Get my spin instructor’s certification
15. Volunteer with habitat for humanity.
16. Volunteer to help with a race (marathon/half marathon/etc)
17. Blog at least 5 times a week.
18. Complete an Open Water Race
19. Do P90X
20. Be more organic★
21. Join a soccer league ★
22. Take a Hot-air Balloon Ride
23. Go Ziplining
24. Learn to shoot a gun/go to the gun range
25. See all four Phillies starting pitchers in a game. ★
26. Whitewater rafting
27. Read 1 book a month. ★
28. Get my dual citizenship
29. Learn how to make balloon animals
30. Plan a trip with my Zuzelo Cousins.
Get a Real Teaching Job (I realize this is a 30 in 30 task but it's still an ongoing resolution)
Continue to practice patience and compassion.
Visit my friends more (Florida, Indianapolis, Ft. Wayne, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, etc)
Bridge the gaps in friendships that seem to have become larger than I would've liked.

I think that's enough for this year. My 30 in 30 will take me a while anyway...so I might as well just stick to that. But I really do want to continue to remain patient and compassionate. Regardless of the personal and social aspects of my life that might change in the next year.

I was not expecting 2011 to come to a close in the way it is. My dad seems to think that I'm due for a really good year. I think he's right. For some reason, I think 2012 might be that year - but I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch....you know? So in the mean time...I'm just going to take things one day at a time. I find that looking too far forward really does me a disservice because things can change in a moment.....

Here's to the new year! Wishing everyone a healthy and happy 2012!