I Shouldn't.....

I shouldn't miss you.....

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't think about you as often as I do.....

I shouldn't.....

I shouldn't wonder what you're doing because you're not wondering about me.....

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't care about you this much.......

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't still have these moments of weakness.......

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't have hope........

I shouldn't.......


But I do......

Learning to let go....

I don't know about anyone else...but I am terrible at letting go.  I am and most certainly have gotten better at it since I was in college....but to explain what I mean:

-I need to learn to let go of feeling like I disappoint people.  In reality, people are not as upset as we all think they are.  Sure, we might break plans with them and then disappear for a bit because we are busy, but our real friends won't care about the gaps between talking or seeing one another.  And if they do, it probably comes from a place of love and concern rather than anger and resentment.

-I need to learn to let go of the fact that I do not have control over most things in my life.  I may try on a daily basis to have control but the truth is, something could throw a wrench into my life at any moment - or someone else's life that is close to me - and it could disrupt everything.  I have to learn to just give things up to the universe.  Things WILL work out the way they are supposed to.

-I need to learn to let go of the fact that I am still single at 31.  I put up really good fronts about how I feel about it and the fact of the matter is, I am less okay with it than I let others know.  But I've been told I can't do the looking, it just has to happen.  I need to learn to not worry about this so much.  What's so wrong with spending my life without a partner?  Nothing at all.  But the real question is - do I want to spend my life without a partner/husband/spouse?  Not at all.

-I need to learn more patience with myself.  I'm getting much better at delegating work and not trying to do everything myself - but I have little to no patience for myself.  Why do I do that?  I have plenty of patience for everyone else and my friends?  Why do I feel like I shouldn't have the same amount of patience with myself?  I have high expectations for myself, yes.  But sometimes it's okay to not meet them.  Why do I tell myself otherwise?

-I need to turn these "needs" into "will". 

I will let go of feeling like I disappoint people.
I will learn to let go of the fact that I have no control over things.
I will learn to let go of the fact that I am still single at 31.
I will learn to have more patience with myself. 

I will.

The Year is Drawing to a Close

As promised, I am updating and taking a look back on my 2012 Resolutions with the intent of putting forth 2013 Resolutions.  

My 2012 Resolutions were:
1.  Finish my 30 in 30 - yeah, that didn't happen.  It was a pretty ambitious list anyway.
2.  Get a Real Teaching Job - I am currently subbing for a variety of school districts.  Here's hoping that turns into something.... I am, however, working as an adjunct professor for the local community college, so that's technically a real teaching job, right?
3.  Continue to practice patience and compassion - since injuring my foot in September, taking up Yoga was probably the BEST thing I've done all year.  When I couldn't use running to cope with my sadness from the breakup, Yoga became my retreat.  I am SO grateful to have it in my life.
4.  Visit my friends more - sadly, I didn't do this at all.  Financially I was not able to make it to Allan's Wedding in July nor have I been able to go down to Florida at all.  I still have yet to visit Reagan in Jersey....I am a terrible friend.
5.  Bridge the gaps in friendships that seem to have become larger than I would've liked - I am not entirely sure how I've done with this but I think I've definitely done better.  I reached back out to my friend Jen from Albright and Brian from CMU, as well as keep in touch with my CMU friends a bit more.  I am scheduled to hang out with a friend from La Salle during the Holidays....so....I think this is a checked off thing :-)

What I'd really like for 2013 is for everything I've been working so hard for in the last 2-3 years to finally come to fruition.  Whether you believe in astrology or not, the stars keep saying that things are nearly aligned for me....I can kind of feel it too.  Whatever that means....whether it means to obtain a job or to find the love of my life.....who knows.  What I do know is that I am optimistic for 2013.  There are an insane amount of things that I will be preoccupied with starting in January.  My weekly schedule will leave little room for extracurriculars....which in some ways is good.  My weekends, however, will be freer - so I have that going for me!

2013 Resolutions:
1.  Practice Yoga 1-4 times a week.
2.  Continue to see my therapist.
3.  Join a Crossfit Gym.
4.  Get a Real Teaching Job at a local High School
5.  Learn to say 'no' and not feel bad about it.
6.  Volunteer.

I'd add more but I think any more than 5 or 6 goals in a year is tough for me since I have a lot on my plate right now.  I'll check back in a year with the outcome :-)

Hiatus

From here...from life....from everything....

I'd like one....can that be arranged???  No?  It was worth a shot.

Lately, things have been insanely busy and to sum it up - exhausting.

I am definitely experiencing a bit of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It happens.  It hasn't been all that Sunny In Philadelphia....but I am well in general.  I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks on account of money being a bit tight and I haven't bought all of my Christmas presents yet.  Check it people - it's only 11 days away.....yeah. 

Also, I'm no longer going down to Orlando.  I was supposed to fly out tomorrow morning and stay until Tuesday morning.  I still have the ticket and can use it at a later date, which I will, but I couldn't fathom going down there and spending money when I know I need it elsewhere (ie. presents, rent, bills).  My friends understood.  I think this time of year is pretty busy for everyone so it was nice that they were totally cool about it.

Things are going well in other realms.  I got offered a subbing gig for Haverford School District with some potential of it turning into more.  We'll see.  I am really hoping that 2013 brings some good job news...any job news at all really.  I am starting to get burned out with these 6 jobs I have.  I wish I could stop doing just one of them....but I need them all :-/  If I did, the first would probably be not working at Baldwin - even though I love it.  I would probably still teach lessons, if I was allowed, but the extra coaching is just too much.  And as much as I like swimming, the weekend meets are killing any semblance of me having a social life.  I agreed to one this Sunday simply because I figured if I'm not going to Florida, I might as well make some money.  I am also able to go to the Spin Workshop at the gym I work at (originally I was the ONLY instructor that couldn't go....so there's that).

I am slowly working my mileage back up.  I have hesitated to write about my running because I jumped the gun the last time.  I got too excited that I was running without pain that it actually backfired.  I am hoping to run tonight after our meet and call it an early evening.  I have been really tired this week....gotta be the weather?  Oh, and I'm exhausted. Ha. :-)

In the next few days I'm going to attempt to look back on my resolutions from this year and what I am hopeful to accomplish for 2013.  I'm not sure how close I came to achieving them this year but I guess some of my goals are more long term....which is fine. 

Confession:  I have not written one paragraph, sentence, phrase or letter in my novel since the last day of November.  I just haven't had the time and if/when I have, I haven't really had an desire.  I would like to finish it.  I should have some free time the last week of the month since I won't be subbing and I'll just have practice in the mornings. 

How's everyone else's holiday season going?