So I've decided that things get increasingly more difficult as I get older. Ingenious, yea? Not at all. Apparently everyone else knows this. I remember when I was in college and even high school - thinking how much easier things would be when I was finished school. It was definitely one of the reasons I tried to not only finish school on time but also to do everything as quickly as possible. Some times I look back to college and think about things I wish I had done - study abroad - go to a bigger school for different classes - hung out with my friends more - etc. I don't regret missing out on some of those things - because when it came down to it - I did do something about it. I transfered schools, I started to focus on what I eventually ended up doing as a "career" choice (I use that term loosely because who knows if this will be my future - most likely yes but there are no guarantees).
I did make a lot of the right decisions - I just can't help but think that now that I don't have academia to kind of guide me and I have to go forward in my life without a course book or a counselor to say, "you're on the right track..you just need to finish this course..and these and you're all set". I guess, in a way, life has it's own little courses and tests we have to take...that's the metaphor, right? But really - it just feels so much harder than I thought it would be. I guess maybe because although I was a good student, I didn't really need to study too much - I mean, I still did, but I found that I could cruise with A's and B's. Maybe I need to take that approach to life too. Maybe I need to start thinking - well - this is the best I can do - and if I know I've done my best then that's all I can do. In a way, I do that already - but I guess I forget how some times.
Take right now for instance - I'm a social person but lately I haven't felt like much for socializing. I know we all have times where we don't necessarily want to go out and party all the time - but I'm not even talking about that. I've kind of gone into hibernation - and on purpose or not? I don't even know. I don't even know if it bothers me. My friends will still be there - my family will still be there. I guess I am not used to the idea of focusing on myself so much...and this year I made a promise to myself to do that. Maybe that's what it is....I have spent my whole life doing things for others and putting others first and now that it's my turn to be first, I feel lost - because I have no basis for this. I want to do it my own way - not the way someone else would - but isn't that how we figure out our own way - to use someone else as a guide? I don't know - I'm not sure.
Maybe that's as good as it gets.....not knowing - not being sure - but reminding yourself that whatever happens you try to do your best and be the best person you can for you and everything else will fall into place....yes? I don't know, I'm not sure.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
I got my sights set on you and I'm ready to aim....
(is it weird that almost every post are either music lyrics or in reference to music?...maybe it's a sign....start playing again....hrmmm)
So this weekend I headed up to New Smyrna Beach - awesome AWESOME time! I got a little toasty - in more than one way haha. The sun burn actually does hurt more today than it did yesterday but whatevs...I'm going to Key West next weekend, I need a base, right? (omg I'm so getting skin cancer) So it was a nice relaxing weekend - didn't do much. Got there Saturday morning - layed out in the sun (see picture below of our view from the house)- went in the water - drank some boat drinks - etc. We went to Breakers for a late lunch and then headed back to the house.
I didn't bring my computer - despite the house having wifi. I just needed a few days without the internets and without any kind of distractions. I read, I talked, I chilled, and I definitely relaxed. It gave me time to think about a lot of things - of which I've been doing a lot of lately. I finished up a book called "Better Single Than Sorry" - by the girl who was on the Bachelor and Bachelorette - Jen Scheft. It was and is quite good. It's basically about how it's OK to be single and how you shouldn't settle just because you think its the right thing to do. I highly recommend all single women to read it. One of the things that caught my attention in it was a part where she mentioned that every woman should have a list of things she needs from a man. And in a separate column, what she wants from a man. This is different obviously because we can't always get what we want but we can demand to get what we need since we deserve it:-) So.....yup...here's mine:
What I What from a Man:
-Humor/for him to be funny
-Have a good job where he makes lots of money
-Handsome
-Good Dresser
-Good w/money
-Good w/kids
-Likes animals
-Likes to exercise/do recreational activities
-Understands my family and their quirks
-Likes my friends
-Makes good money
-He has a passport or willing to travel (although this is more of a need)
What I NEED from a Man:
-Supports me in all aspects of my life
-Communicates w/me
-Honesty
-Intelligent/Common Sense
-Thoughtful and caring
-Chemistry
-Takes care of His-self (body, mental, etc.)
-Health Conscious
-Independent but is complimentary to me
-Motivation (in his life and is a motivator)
-Understands me and my quirks
-Has a job
-Treats me with respect
-Puts me first the way I would for him.
-Spends time with me willingly - not when I have to ask him to.
-He's my best friend.
Of course - as we get older, the list is and should change since we change in what we want and expect for ourselves. I don't think any of these things are unreasonable - infact, I think they are pretty common amongst most women.
Anyway - I've just been doing a lot of thinking about it....that's all.
So this weekend I headed up to New Smyrna Beach - awesome AWESOME time! I got a little toasty - in more than one way haha. The sun burn actually does hurt more today than it did yesterday but whatevs...I'm going to Key West next weekend, I need a base, right? (omg I'm so getting skin cancer) So it was a nice relaxing weekend - didn't do much. Got there Saturday morning - layed out in the sun (see picture below of our view from the house)- went in the water - drank some boat drinks - etc. We went to Breakers for a late lunch and then headed back to the house.
I didn't bring my computer - despite the house having wifi. I just needed a few days without the internets and without any kind of distractions. I read, I talked, I chilled, and I definitely relaxed. It gave me time to think about a lot of things - of which I've been doing a lot of lately. I finished up a book called "Better Single Than Sorry" - by the girl who was on the Bachelor and Bachelorette - Jen Scheft. It was and is quite good. It's basically about how it's OK to be single and how you shouldn't settle just because you think its the right thing to do. I highly recommend all single women to read it. One of the things that caught my attention in it was a part where she mentioned that every woman should have a list of things she needs from a man. And in a separate column, what she wants from a man. This is different obviously because we can't always get what we want but we can demand to get what we need since we deserve it:-) So.....yup...here's mine:
What I What from a Man:
-Humor/for him to be funny
-Have a good job where he makes lots of money
-Handsome
-Good Dresser
-Good w/money
-Good w/kids
-Likes animals
-Likes to exercise/do recreational activities
-Understands my family and their quirks
-Likes my friends
-Makes good money
-He has a passport or willing to travel (although this is more of a need)
What I NEED from a Man:
-Supports me in all aspects of my life
-Communicates w/me
-Honesty
-Intelligent/Common Sense
-Thoughtful and caring
-Chemistry
-Takes care of His-self (body, mental, etc.)
-Health Conscious
-Independent but is complimentary to me
-Motivation (in his life and is a motivator)
-Understands me and my quirks
-Has a job
-Treats me with respect
-Puts me first the way I would for him.
-Spends time with me willingly - not when I have to ask him to.
-He's my best friend.
Of course - as we get older, the list is and should change since we change in what we want and expect for ourselves. I don't think any of these things are unreasonable - infact, I think they are pretty common amongst most women.
Anyway - I've just been doing a lot of thinking about it....that's all.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Just another Manic Monday....
Maybe - could he? (IDK my BFF Jill?) haha - I love that - doesn't apply but every time I want to say I don't know - it's the first thing that comes to mind. :::sigh::: commercial advertising.
Anyway. I went home to Philly this past weekend - suprisingly - an awesome weekend! I wasn't expecting it (which may be why it was so great)....so it was a pleasant surprise (espcially after the fight - see previous post - between my mother and I).
Why was it so great? Hrmmm - well.....the weekend unraveled as follows (and clearly the metaphor is imperative since I went home trying to be as closed as possible since I didn't want to create any more of an arguement with my mother).
Thursday: I worked in the morning which proved to be beneficial. Usually when I work a half day, I get next to nothing accomplished. I felt pretty good about my work that morning. My flight was at 1:30 so by 4 I was at home and my mom and I were on our way to the hospital to visit my Grandmother (congestive heart failure - admitted on tuesday - released on saturday). I bought my mom dinner later on because I owed it to her and because, well, she always buys me stuff. It's only right to start doing it for her. I later watched the season finale of The Office (which was phenominal!) and made it an early night.
Friday: Up at the butt crack of dawn to take my stepdad to work so I could have a car and workout and do some errands (which allowed me to buy some new and ON SALE biking shorts/jersey - SCORE!) I had a pretty good workout - took spin class with one of my favorite instructors at home and did chest and tri of which I quickly realized how weak I am after that week break - yikes! I went to the Phillies game that night with my dad - it was rainy and cold(both of which I was not happy about as I am generally disenchanted by the thought of sitting outside for a baseball game, of which I LOVE, in the rain and cold). I am SO glad we went because it was by far the BEST game I've ever been to. Jason Werth (Phillies Centerfielder) hit back to back to back homeruns (3 Run, Grand Slam, Solo - Bottom of 2nd, 3rd, and 5th respectively) By far the BEST baseball game I've been to in a long time - and I was with my dad so even better:-)
Saturday: I slept in - which I am so glad I did - I needed it. I lazed around as I usually do on Saturdays. Went for a 7.5 mile run around town because it was actually Sunny and relatively warm. It felt so great to be outside! This day was also the original purpose for the trip home. A best bud, Josh, FINALLY finished college ("in just a shade under a decade too, alright!")...and I promised him long ago that I would come up for his party or the ceremony, whichever he preferred. I honestly wasn't expecting to stay long - party started at 4, I got there at 5:30, I even thought I might be able to hang out with my BESTEST Jacks later that night. I thought this only because I really only thought I'd know Josh, his brother and his parents....I was not expecting to "make friends" with others....I don't know why I thought this - I am a generally pretty friendly person.
Anyway, so I met Josh's roommate from his Freshman year of college and first school he attended (there were a few)...Jasen. That's right - Jasen - with an "e". I know, I like it too:-) .....so yeah....I kind of ended up hangin' and talking with him all night....like...all night. It was so great. We just..hit it off. I don't think that's really ever happened to me. He's smart, he has a good job, he is definitely CUTE (even Josh's brother said he was hot - so I know it's true), and he talked to ME too - so it was definitely mutual....especially the part of the night where he said "yeah I'm gonna go get my phone right now so I can get your number so you don't leave and I miss my chance"...oh and the "well we could always go out on the front porch and make out" - ahahahaha - which I thought was hysterical that he read my mind (but I didn't tell him that) :-) So we exchanged numbers - I have his email - and at the end of the night - he purposely waited to say goodnight - and of course - kiss me goodbye (good kisser too!)
So why does this pose a problem? Well, he lives in Lancaster and I live in Orlando. Clearly - geography is not helping us. I am not sure what to do here. I want to wait for him to call - but I've already reserved the idea that if he doesn't call this week - I should just call him this weekend and try to just be friends? Yes? No? I honestly don't know - I mean - we hit it off so well - it'd be a shame to let something like distance get in the way of that, don't you think? Ahh well - I think I'll have my answer soon enough - unless - I have his email - should I just send him a quick note saying hi? Bleh - it has been so long since I've had to think about this stuff....I am at a loss for what to do.
back to the weekend
Sunday: Since I was out so late on Saturday - I ended up missing one of my favorite spin classes at 8 am on Sunday morning - so - I went to the gym and did my own workout - to which I later went to a late lunch early dinner with my bestest Jacks and scarfed our favorite foods...yummy! NACHOS! I flew back yesterday afternoon and finally (after a 45 minute delay) made it home.
I am tired today - but the weekend was an overall fun time. I'm definitely heading back home in August for my friend Kritie's wedding.
Oh also - I signed up for a 1/2 Marathon this weekend - August 31st - Disneyland. Nice long weekend with my seestar and a little personal torture in the middle:-)
TTFN!
Anyway. I went home to Philly this past weekend - suprisingly - an awesome weekend! I wasn't expecting it (which may be why it was so great)....so it was a pleasant surprise (espcially after the fight - see previous post - between my mother and I).
Why was it so great? Hrmmm - well.....the weekend unraveled as follows (and clearly the metaphor is imperative since I went home trying to be as closed as possible since I didn't want to create any more of an arguement with my mother).
Thursday: I worked in the morning which proved to be beneficial. Usually when I work a half day, I get next to nothing accomplished. I felt pretty good about my work that morning. My flight was at 1:30 so by 4 I was at home and my mom and I were on our way to the hospital to visit my Grandmother (congestive heart failure - admitted on tuesday - released on saturday). I bought my mom dinner later on because I owed it to her and because, well, she always buys me stuff. It's only right to start doing it for her. I later watched the season finale of The Office (which was phenominal!) and made it an early night.
Friday: Up at the butt crack of dawn to take my stepdad to work so I could have a car and workout and do some errands (which allowed me to buy some new and ON SALE biking shorts/jersey - SCORE!) I had a pretty good workout - took spin class with one of my favorite instructors at home and did chest and tri of which I quickly realized how weak I am after that week break - yikes! I went to the Phillies game that night with my dad - it was rainy and cold(both of which I was not happy about as I am generally disenchanted by the thought of sitting outside for a baseball game, of which I LOVE, in the rain and cold). I am SO glad we went because it was by far the BEST game I've ever been to. Jason Werth (Phillies Centerfielder) hit back to back to back homeruns (3 Run, Grand Slam, Solo - Bottom of 2nd, 3rd, and 5th respectively) By far the BEST baseball game I've been to in a long time - and I was with my dad so even better:-)
Saturday: I slept in - which I am so glad I did - I needed it. I lazed around as I usually do on Saturdays. Went for a 7.5 mile run around town because it was actually Sunny and relatively warm. It felt so great to be outside! This day was also the original purpose for the trip home. A best bud, Josh, FINALLY finished college ("in just a shade under a decade too, alright!")...and I promised him long ago that I would come up for his party or the ceremony, whichever he preferred. I honestly wasn't expecting to stay long - party started at 4, I got there at 5:30, I even thought I might be able to hang out with my BESTEST Jacks later that night. I thought this only because I really only thought I'd know Josh, his brother and his parents....I was not expecting to "make friends" with others....I don't know why I thought this - I am a generally pretty friendly person.
Anyway, so I met Josh's roommate from his Freshman year of college and first school he attended (there were a few)...Jasen. That's right - Jasen - with an "e". I know, I like it too:-) .....so yeah....I kind of ended up hangin' and talking with him all night....like...all night. It was so great. We just..hit it off. I don't think that's really ever happened to me. He's smart, he has a good job, he is definitely CUTE (even Josh's brother said he was hot - so I know it's true), and he talked to ME too - so it was definitely mutual....especially the part of the night where he said "yeah I'm gonna go get my phone right now so I can get your number so you don't leave and I miss my chance"...oh and the "well we could always go out on the front porch and make out" - ahahahaha - which I thought was hysterical that he read my mind (but I didn't tell him that) :-) So we exchanged numbers - I have his email - and at the end of the night - he purposely waited to say goodnight - and of course - kiss me goodbye (good kisser too!)
So why does this pose a problem? Well, he lives in Lancaster and I live in Orlando. Clearly - geography is not helping us. I am not sure what to do here. I want to wait for him to call - but I've already reserved the idea that if he doesn't call this week - I should just call him this weekend and try to just be friends? Yes? No? I honestly don't know - I mean - we hit it off so well - it'd be a shame to let something like distance get in the way of that, don't you think? Ahh well - I think I'll have my answer soon enough - unless - I have his email - should I just send him a quick note saying hi? Bleh - it has been so long since I've had to think about this stuff....I am at a loss for what to do.
back to the weekend
Sunday: Since I was out so late on Saturday - I ended up missing one of my favorite spin classes at 8 am on Sunday morning - so - I went to the gym and did my own workout - to which I later went to a late lunch early dinner with my bestest Jacks and scarfed our favorite foods...yummy! NACHOS! I flew back yesterday afternoon and finally (after a 45 minute delay) made it home.
I am tired today - but the weekend was an overall fun time. I'm definitely heading back home in August for my friend Kritie's wedding.
Oh also - I signed up for a 1/2 Marathon this weekend - August 31st - Disneyland. Nice long weekend with my seestar and a little personal torture in the middle:-)
TTFN!
Monday, May 12, 2008
On an Island in the Sun....
We'll be playing and having fun....
Ah, wouldn't that be nice right now?
Lotses of things happening in Katie world. Some good - some bad. I haven't really had much time to blog about it all - which I feel is kind of the reason I've been hiding so much sadness. And it pretty much all came to a head last night.
Last night, I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. To which the conversation somehow ended up being a disagreement which was quickly proceeded by my mom hanging up on me. I can't even tell you the last time she's done that - if she's done it ever.
The first thing that came to mind was - what did I do to make her so angry that she felt the only way to respond was to hang up the phone? I probably said something in a tone that hurt her feelings - I probably also made her feel like she wasn't being a good mom? But then I stopped and thought about it. While it is possible that my tone of voice seemed harsh - I would NEVER ever attempt to make her feel bad - nor would I EVER say she is a bad mom.
Here's the thing. I'm going home this weekend - and since I was going to be home, I thought I'd ask my mom if she could find out if I could get an appointment with her hairdresser because I like her and I also need to get a cut. Seems simple right? I also asked to find out if I could schedule an eye appointment because - I'm gonna be home, right? SO , why not? Turns out - despite her making it sound ok and that she had no problem doing it - she really didn't tell me that it was a major pressure situation for her. She said she felt like if she didn't get those things done for me, that she would feel like she failed. How are these two small things such a major deal? (I asked myself) I mean, I just asked - it's not like I need a heart transplant or anything. I just wanted to know if I could (for lack of a better metaphor) kill to birds with one stone. Ya know?
Turns out - these things or anything I ask my mom to help me out with - turns into a major pressure situation - and she feels like if she doesn't help me with them - that I won't do them myself - like I wouldn't do them here where I live. I can see her point, I haven't exactly been the most stable kid - emotionally, physically, and workwise. I still don't have insurance, I haven't been to the doctors in a long time - and I don't really know what I am going for, as far as life is concerned.
I, personally, don't see a problem with any of these things. Those are all conventional things. I get that having health insurance is important - and although I am healthy - there are no guarantees. But you know - I honestly feel like there are some more important things to focus on. I don't know, am I wrong? I think my mom is having a hard time realizing I'm doing things differently than she would - and I think she expects me to be a certain way. I realize in her eyes I am probably not the most responsible kid - nor am I probably the best at making decisions when it comes to money - but - it's MY LIFE - it's MY MONEY - I have tried so hard to break away from what she expects of me and do my own thing. It's just amazing how one 10 minute phone conversation can make you regress back to when I was in high school and college when everything I did was to make her happy.
I can't win with her. She wants me to be my own person and live my own life - but she still wants the life I live to progress the way her's did. I can't do it - I am not her - I can't be her. I can't do my life the way she did hers. It's already different - when she was my age, she already had a kid and two years later had a second one - she also had a job and a husband. Those things - are not going to happen for me any time soon - I am ok with that. TOTALLY OK WITH IT! Part of me thinks shes jealous and another part of me is just worried for her. I love my mom so dearly - I don't know how to help her - she doesn't always listen to what I say - and it frustrates me to no end. BUT - she's my mom - and I love her.
Why must these things affect me so much?:-(
Ah, wouldn't that be nice right now?
Lotses of things happening in Katie world. Some good - some bad. I haven't really had much time to blog about it all - which I feel is kind of the reason I've been hiding so much sadness. And it pretty much all came to a head last night.
Last night, I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. To which the conversation somehow ended up being a disagreement which was quickly proceeded by my mom hanging up on me. I can't even tell you the last time she's done that - if she's done it ever.
The first thing that came to mind was - what did I do to make her so angry that she felt the only way to respond was to hang up the phone? I probably said something in a tone that hurt her feelings - I probably also made her feel like she wasn't being a good mom? But then I stopped and thought about it. While it is possible that my tone of voice seemed harsh - I would NEVER ever attempt to make her feel bad - nor would I EVER say she is a bad mom.
Here's the thing. I'm going home this weekend - and since I was going to be home, I thought I'd ask my mom if she could find out if I could get an appointment with her hairdresser because I like her and I also need to get a cut. Seems simple right? I also asked to find out if I could schedule an eye appointment because - I'm gonna be home, right? SO , why not? Turns out - despite her making it sound ok and that she had no problem doing it - she really didn't tell me that it was a major pressure situation for her. She said she felt like if she didn't get those things done for me, that she would feel like she failed. How are these two small things such a major deal? (I asked myself) I mean, I just asked - it's not like I need a heart transplant or anything. I just wanted to know if I could (for lack of a better metaphor) kill to birds with one stone. Ya know?
Turns out - these things or anything I ask my mom to help me out with - turns into a major pressure situation - and she feels like if she doesn't help me with them - that I won't do them myself - like I wouldn't do them here where I live. I can see her point, I haven't exactly been the most stable kid - emotionally, physically, and workwise. I still don't have insurance, I haven't been to the doctors in a long time - and I don't really know what I am going for, as far as life is concerned.
I, personally, don't see a problem with any of these things. Those are all conventional things. I get that having health insurance is important - and although I am healthy - there are no guarantees. But you know - I honestly feel like there are some more important things to focus on. I don't know, am I wrong? I think my mom is having a hard time realizing I'm doing things differently than she would - and I think she expects me to be a certain way. I realize in her eyes I am probably not the most responsible kid - nor am I probably the best at making decisions when it comes to money - but - it's MY LIFE - it's MY MONEY - I have tried so hard to break away from what she expects of me and do my own thing. It's just amazing how one 10 minute phone conversation can make you regress back to when I was in high school and college when everything I did was to make her happy.
I can't win with her. She wants me to be my own person and live my own life - but she still wants the life I live to progress the way her's did. I can't do it - I am not her - I can't be her. I can't do my life the way she did hers. It's already different - when she was my age, she already had a kid and two years later had a second one - she also had a job and a husband. Those things - are not going to happen for me any time soon - I am ok with that. TOTALLY OK WITH IT! Part of me thinks shes jealous and another part of me is just worried for her. I love my mom so dearly - I don't know how to help her - she doesn't always listen to what I say - and it frustrates me to no end. BUT - she's my mom - and I love her.
Why must these things affect me so much?:-(
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